I was born the last of four children, the late one you can say. I was a loner for most of my life, happy and content with my own thoughts and dreams. My imagination was my best friend, I never had any friends growing up, even through school.

I started noticing that I was different, but could not figure out in what way. I noticed that I looked at boys and started to experiment with them, not knowing better.

When you grow older and hear the other children talking about “fag’s” you know what they mean, and deep down inside you, feeling hurt because you know they are talking about you. So the best thing is to keep quiet and pretend that nothing is wrong. You are ashamed and feel isolated from the rest. Going through puberty and getting more confused, you come to the conclusion “hey, I’m gay” but you don’t dare talk about it, with any one.

As time went by, my parents (divorced by then), found out. My mother was devastated, my father send me for therapy, and my siblings had mixed feelings, how lucky was I to have a support system? Through the years they came to accept it, and life went on.

Not that my dad and I had what you can call a relationship, he was always busy and never had any time for me, he would normally give more attention to my older brothers, not that I bothered much about it back then, I had my mom and that was enough, although not very healthy I might add. I think my mother tried to protect me (a little too much) but as I said, no one is to blame. So try and keep blame out of it, she only did what she thought to be the best for me at that stage. But today, we have an awesome relationship, we are getting to know each other.

Now my older brother, now there was something. Because my mother was so protective over me, it caused some animosity with them. They would hurt me, more emotionally than physical. They would say something to get me upset, and I would end up crying, with my mother intervenining once again. It was a vicious cycle, they would then act out against me as usual. But, as I said, all is forgiven. Today I have wonderful relationships with all of them.

I went through most of the phases in the gay community, I was young, and the new kid on the block, so everyone wanted a piece of me. And most of them got what they wanted. But I never felt fulfilled, the ecstasy was always short lived and left me feeling even more alone and rejected. I started doing drugs, in a very big way. I can only thank GOD that I’m alive today and still healthy. Lucky for me I’m out of that now for a few years and don’t have the urge to go back.

One evening I was reading a book, and all of the sudden this thought came to me. “ if I were to die now, where would I go and what legacy will I leave behind” this freaked me out BIG TIME. I started praying, and pleading with GOD to show me and help me. I started with a counselling course a friend recommended. It was awesome, it taught me so much of myself and GOD. Then one evening, very sudden a memory came back to me from my childhood. I was five years old, and living temporarily in a caravan park (our house wasn’t finished yet) and there were two boys older than me. They took me to a caravan and molested me. And this happened more than once. The pastor, who did the counselling, helped me to work through the molestation, to forgive and to move on and to leave it behind the cross, never to come back again. They only did to me what was done to them, they didn’t know better, so all is forgiven. You have to forgive, you only halt your own progress if you dont forgive. Remember this, we will never know what happened to the person who did the deed, they may not know of better.

Now from what I learned through the duration of the course, is that this was the beginning of my SSA. However, it wasn’t the only trigger, I didn’t have any male friends, my parents were divorced, no male figure for guidance, and an over protective mother.

Believe me when I say, that all of those can form the rest of your future. I don’t blame anyone, honestly. I had to forgive in the name of JESUS and start fresh. I am so grateful for the past few years of learning and growing. I’m not there yet, but from what I see and experience, I can’t wait for what’s coming.

I met Andre, through the International Healing Foundation, and he is still standing by me. We talk every day and im even considering doing the course to help others. My life now has meaning. I believe that I went through all of those things that happened to me, to be able to help others. NO ONE IS TO BLAME.

I did a lot of reading on this subject, you have to learn more to understand what went wrong and where. There is lots of literature about this, ask one of the counsellors or coaches, they are more then willing to help. For me it’s a process, and I’m going through it one day at a time, not rushing it. I have my good days and my bad days. When I have a bad day, I will speak to Andre and he will tell me what to do. DON'T GIVE UP, its worth it! If I can do it, so can you!

I’m even happy to report, that I met someone (yes, a girl). and although I don’t know if she is THE one, im truly thank full that I met her. It's teaching me how to handle the situation, and now I even talk to Andre more. I thank GOD every day for who I am and where I’m going. I even told my dad, and he’s over the moon and our relationship is awesome now, not because of the girl, but because we found each other a long time ago.

Be strong, as this is only the beginning of a wonderful future and a new adventure.

Harry