HETERO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

There has been much literature written about the smother mother, dominating mother, or excessively involved mother. Again, this is not a blame game. I do not know of any parent who sets out to either hurt or damage his or her child. Also, it is not merely the events that shape a child’s character, but his response to the situation, influenced by heredity and temperament.

 Drs. Bieber et al., Socarides, Nicolosi, van den Aardweg, Freud, Siegelman, Westwood, Schoefield, Thompson et al., and Kronemeyer have observed that same-sex attracted men had an abnormally close mother-son attachment. This relationship between mother and son represents unhealthy attachment, rather than a healthy sense of bonding. His mother may be distant from her husband and over attach herself to her son. Psychologist Dr. Patricia Love calls this the “Emotional Incest Syndrome.” The mother may confide all her pain and problems to her son, making him a substitute spouse. Being so close to his mom, and detached from his dad, he becomes more and more like her. In such instances, the boy overidentifies with his mother and femininity and disidentifies with his father and masculinity.

One client shared, “As a child, I was so confused about my relationship with my mother, I didn’t know if I was her lover or son. She confided all her pain and problems to me.” I have observed in the majority of my male clients this characteristic—an overidentification with the feminine and a disidentification with the masculine.

The mother may have directly or indirectly criticized the father: “Don’t be like him.” “He’s no good.” This also distances the son from his father, his role model of masculinity. In fear of losing his mother’s love, he detaches from his sense of masculinity (as the masculine father seems to be the enemy) and becomes a reflection of his mother’s character. Jung said something disturbing about this complication. He said that "when the son is introduced primarily by the mother to feelings, he will learn the female attitude toward masculinity and takes a female view of his own father and of his own masculinity. He will see his father thrugh his mother’s eyes.” Dr. Charles Socarides, in his many studies and articles on same-sex attraction development, has found that there is a lack of separation/individuation, or differentiation, between the mother and son, which is decisive for gender identification.

The same-sex attracted female may also have had an abnormally close father-daughter attachment. Dr. Socarides, as well as Drs. Zucker and Bradley talk further about daughters who mold themselves in the image of their fathers. In some cases, the daughter may view the mother as unsafe, ineffectual, or weak, and therefore choose to model herself after the more competent and powerful parent, her father. The father may speak poorly about his wife, further distancing the daughter from her role model of femininity.

The same-sex attracted female may have been abused either by her father or significant men in her life, such as a brother, uncle, grandfather, stepfather, or friend of the family. The abuse could have been sexual, emotional, mental, and/or physical. She then turns to other women for comfort, love, and understanding to prevent her from reexperiencing the memory or memories of abuse.

 In other cases, the daughter sees that her distant mother loves Dad. Therefore, she may overidentify with her father, taking on a more masculine nature and appearance in order to win the affection and approval of her mother. The son may take on a more feminine appearance to win the affection and approval of his father.

Another factor in the mother-son or father-daughter relationship is imitation of behavior. This is a very strong learning mechanism for all children. Their first method of learning is imitation of what they see, feel, and sense around them. If a son has an unhealthy attachment with his mother, he will learn a more feminine way of being. If a daughter has an unhealthy attachment with her father, she will learn a more masculine way of being. In both cases, the young child may become more and more estranged from his or her own gender and internalize the nature of the opposite sex. Again, this inhibits normal psychosocial and psychosexual development.

Finally, if a parent expresses disappointment with the child’s gender or if the child perceives the parent’s disappointment with his gender, he may then take on the characteristics of the opposite gender in order to obtain his parent’s love and acceptance. This may become another factor in creating gender disidentification.

Here are a few case examples:

Robert was his mommy’s precious little boy, sleeping with her and sharing in all her activities. He was what Dad could not be—an attentive and perfect gentleman. The problem was, Robert was a child, and Mommy was an adult.

Jim’s mother would often criticize her husband for being a failure, being a nothing, and being less than a man. In fear of losing his mother’s love, Jim aligned himself with his mother and grew more and more distant from his father.

John’s father, an academic and head of a scientific agency, never touched his son. John only experienced his father’s critical nature. He longed for acceptance and found that in the arms of his mother. Seeing that his dad loved his mother, he became more and more like her, hoping to attract the attention and affection of his dad. Of course, this never came to pass as he was a boy and not a girl, even though his actions were more feminine than masculine.

Toni was her father’s favourite. She would play ball with him and his friends every weekend. From an early age, she would go to the pub with her dad and sit by as he and his buddies would drink. Mom was always busy working, and when at home she was either cooking or doing house chores. Toni longed for her mother’s affection, which she experienced as unavailable. Again, like John, she modelled herself after her opposite-sex parent in order to win the love of her same-sex parent. Toni dressed in boy’s clothes, had short hair, and acted more masculine. However, all these ploys were ineffective in winning her mother’s love.