SIBLING WOUNDS/FAMILY DYNAMICS

The prehomosexual boy, who exhibits a character difference or physical disability, may bear the brunt of emotional, mental, physical, and/or sexual abuse by his siblings. If the same-sex sibling, especially an elder, criticizes him, this may contribute to gender disidentification. This may be another factor that reinforces the boy’s poor self-image.

The potential same-sex atracted oriented individual may be the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child in the family system. The oldest may become the family hero or parentified child, taking on a more adult role to solve the family problems, thus losing his sense of identity. (The parentified child is one who loses his childlike nature and takes on a more adult persona, thus becoming more like a parent than a child. He knows too much too soon.) The next child may become the rebel, manifesting behavioral problems. The rebel acts out in a negative manner in order to gain attention and affection. The middle child may become withdrawn, not appearing to have as many needs as the oldest or youngest. He becomes invisible, shy, or isolated. His needs seem to be less important than the others. The youngest child may be indulged or spoiled. He may also be the recipient of the unexpressed feelings of the entire family system. When he expresses their repressed feelings, he is then identified as the “problem child.” The youngest child may be a performer or clown as a means of obtaining attention and affection.

Brad was the youngest of four. His older brother, Mark, was the tyrant of the family. Mark and his dad had an extremely antagonistic relationship. Brad’s dad would beat on Mark, then Mark would beat on Brad. Mark would physically abuse Brad when no one else was around. He would also verbally abuse Brad, i.e., “sissy,” “faggot,” “queer.” Brad lived in fear of Mark’s fits of rage. This relationship caused Brad to further distance himself from his father and men.

One way of coping with the distress of his relationship with Mark, the absence of his alcoholic father, and the unhealthy attachment with his mother, was to be the peacemaker of the family. When the siblings would argue or his parents would fight, Brad would jump right in to make smooth the path between them all. He was the performer and peacemaker, trying to create harmony in the midst of chaos.

Several other men I counseled had same-sex siblings who would chastise and criticize them for their more sensitive nature. Name-calling was a common experience. Generally, the older brothers had poor relationships with their fathers and would take out their frustrations on the younger brothers. Others played the part of the family hero—getting good grades, being the pleaser. However, no matter how hard they tried, they never experienced the love they so desired.