SOCIAL OR PEER WOUNDS

Some experiences and characteristics individuals with same-sex attractions have lived through, include name-calling, put-downs, goody-goody, teacher’s pet, nonathletic, lack of rough-and-tumble for boys, and too much rough-and-tumble for girls.

Social and peer wounds also rate high on the scale of contributing variables. The majority of individuals who experience same-sex attractions have felt socially inept or out of place. There seem to be two polarities involved: inferiority or grandiosity—“I’m better than all the rest of them,” or “I’m not as good as them.” The individual may flip-flop from inferior to grandiose many times within a day.

“Fathers may influence children in ways that mothers don’t, particularly in areas such as the child’s peer relationships and achievement at school. Research indicates, for example, that boys with absent fathers have a harder time finding a balance between masculine assertiveness and self-restraint. Consequently, it’s tougher for them to learn self-control and to delay gratification, skills that become increasingly important as boys grow and reach out for friendship, academic success, and career goals. A father’s positive presence can be a significant factor in a girl’s academic and career achievement as well, although the evidence here is more ambiguous. It’s clear, however, that girls whose fathers are present and involved in their lives are less likely to become sexually promiscuous at a young age, and more likely to forge healthy relationships with men when they become adults.”

Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg believes that lack of peer bonding is a major factor in the creation of a SSAD condition. “The strongest association, then, is not found between homosexuality and father-child and mother-child relationships, but between homosexuality and ‘peer relationships’. . . Feeling less masculine or feminine as compared to same-sex peers is tantamount to the feeling of not belonging.”

Many pre-same-sex attracted boys lack proper eye-hand coordination and athletic inclination and feel inferior to their male classmates. Even those who did participate in athletics may have felt, internally, less adequate or inferior. Still, other artistically inclined boys withdrew entirely from sports, either by nature or as a defensive reaction to the masculine experience of being detached from Dad, brothers, and his own body. To compensate for his low self-worth, he may become a perfectionist. Toxic perfectionism represents the psyche’s attempt to obtain acceptance.

“Studies of three- and four-year-old children conducted by Ross Parke and Kevin MacDonald provide evidence to this link between fathers’ physical play and how children get along with peers. Observing children in twenty-minute play sessions with their dads, the researchers found that kids whose fathers showed high levels of physical play were most popular among their peers. An interesting and significant qualifier emerged in this study, however: Kids with highly physical dads were nondirective, noncoercive. The children whose dads were highly physical but also highly bossy received the lowest popularity scores. Other studies have provided similar evidence. Across the board, researchers have found that children seem to develop the best social skills when their dads keep the tone of their interactions positive and allow kids to take part in directing the course of play.”

Many athletically inclined women were subject to social mockery as girls because of these innate gifts. Some girls may have been more into rough-and-tumble and less into dolls because of nature and/or nurture. If other elements, such as homo-emotional wounding and/or hetero-emotional wounding, were present, then this characteristic may have just been another contributing factor in the development of same-sex attractions.

In the healing process, it is very important for men to learn to be men among men, and for women to learn to be women among women. Learning to participate in group sports for men and feminine activities for women is an important aspect for healing and experiencing gender identity.

David was the teacher’s pet throughout elementary, junior, and senior high school. He received many awards for high academic achievement and good behavior. However, he never knew how to relate to the other students. He was a little adult, not knowing how to be a child. He knew too much, too soon, as he was his mother’s confidant and best friend.

Chris was a very religious boy. He served in his church’s youth group, participated in retreats, studied the Bible, and mentored other children. However, he was extremely distant from his father and believed he was different from the rest of the boys. At school, many called him a “faggot,” “sissy,” or “queer.” He hated himself and longed to be loved by a man.

Randy was athletically challenged. He did not know how to throw a ball, swing a bat, or run fast. His dad was busy teaching other boys, and Randy felt neglected and inferior. Being more sensitive and withdrawn, he never asked his father for instruction. Instead, he carried this wound throughout his childhood and adolescence. He was never chosen for any of the teams when the kids would play games at school. During recess, he would sit on the sidelines, watching enviously as the other kids played.