OTHER FACTORS

Divorce, death, intrauterine experiences, adoption, and religion are some other influential factors that may cause a SSAD condition. If the parents divorce, if a parent dies, or another close family member dies, the child may interpret this experience as personal rejection and further detach from others and self.

Children naturally self-blame for their parents’ divorce, and may even do so regarding the death of a parent. A harrowing message resonates deep in the unconscious of the child: “If only I was better, if only I had done ______ , then Mommy and Daddy would not have divorced, or Daddy would not have died.” This thought may be completely unconscious to the adult-child.

 “The fact that most grown children of divorce are alienated from at least one parent and a substantial minority is alienated from both is, we believe, a legitimate cause for societal concern. It means that many of these young people are especially vulnerable to influences outside the family, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority figures, and the media. Although not necessarily negative, these influences are unlikely to be an adequate substitute for a stable and positive relationship with a parent.”

Intrauterine experiences may contribute to the child’s detaching from one or both parents. If the mother was experiencing difficulty in her relationship with her husband while carrying the child or if she felt rejected, unloved, or unwanted by him or she experienced any other painful feelings during pregnancy, the unborn child within may have experienced these thoughts and feelings as though they were directed at him or her. Psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Verny states, “The womb is the child’s first world. How he experiences it—as friendly or hostile—does create personality and character predispositions. The womb, in a very real sense, establishes the child’s expectations. If it has been a warm, loving environment, the child is likely to expect the outside world to be the same. This produces a predisposition toward trust, openness, extroversion, and self-confidence. The world will be his oyster, just as the womb has been. If that environment has been hostile, the child will anticipate that his new world will be equally uninviting. He will be predisposed toward suspiciousness, distrust, and introversion. Relating to others will be hard, and so will self-assertion. Life will be more difficult for him than for a child who had a good womb experience.”

Dr. Verny cites study after study conducted throughout the States and Europe, showing clearly that the first life experiences in the womb shape a child’s personality. The results of his investigation were the following: 1) The fetus can see, hear, experience, taste, and feel; 2) What the child feels and perceives begins to shape his attitude and expectations about life; 3) The chief source of those shaping messages is the child’s mother; and 4) The father’s feelings toward his wife and unborn child also influence the fetus. Dr. Verny calls this field prenatal psychology. You can read case histories and numerous studies that describe the effects of prenatal and birth experiences upon the personality of the child in his book, The Secret Life of the Unborn Child (New York: Dell, 1981).

Dr. Monika Lukesch, a psychologist at Constantine University in Germany, studied two thousand pregnant women. She concluded that the mother’s attitude toward her unborn child had the single greatest effect on how the infant matured. Dr. Dennis Stott studied over thirteen hundred children and their families. He estimates that a woman involved in a stormy marriage runs a 237 percent greater risk of bearing a psychologically or physically damaged child than a woman in a secure relationship.

Leanne Payne, a noted pastoral therapist, speaks about assisting several individuals heal from the effects of painful intrauterine experiences. “It is no small thing, for example, to see a person healed who has been hospitalized, perhaps several times, due to rejections they experienced before birth.” Adoption may also contribute to an attachment disorder with either the same-sex and/or opposite-sex parent. If the child does not securely attach with his or her same-sex adopted parent, then a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder may ensue.

Sarah clung to her adopted mother. She was constantly needy and at other times rebuffing. After high school, she sought other women to fulfill her constant need for attention and affection. Her relation-ships were short-lived. Beneath her homosexual desire was an ambivalent child who felt unloved and rejected by her birth mother. 

Another contributing factor may be religion. Particular religious beliefs may impact the child in a negative way if there is already a detachment from either one or both parents. Parents are the first representatives of God for children. They are the visible manifestation of an invisible God. They symbolize our role model for masculinity (Mr. God) and our role model of femininity (Mrs. God). God represents an extension of the father figure. If the child rejects his parents, it follows that he may easily reject his parents’ religious beliefs. This distances him from God, parents, authority figures, and a sense of belonging in the world. Dr. Nicolosi states that the “coming out” process is actually the manifestation of a defensive detachment on a social scale.

Alan never bonded with his father or mother. He never felt as if he belonged to his family. In his therapy, he eventually retrieved an intrauterine memory of experiencing intense pain and anguish. He grieved as he reexperienced those dark memories. He was born feeling unwanted and unloved: “I don’t belong here. Why did you have me?” Later, he spoke to his mother and asked her what she experienced during those nine months while she carried him in her womb. She told him that his dad was having an affair with another woman at that time, and she felt unwanted and unloved. In an instant, Alan realized that he had internalized and personalized her feelings.

Ivan’s mother attempted an abortion while in her second trimester. The attempt failed and Ivan was born. He always felt an animosity toward his mother and distance from his father. Similar to Alan, he felt as if he did not belong, did not fit in, and was not meant to be alive. Until he questioned his mother about his birth experience, he never knew about her attempt to abort him.

Jerry was perfectionistic. If only he got it right, then he would be accepted and loved. After receiving Communion at church for the first time, he went home and broke a vase that meant so much to his mother. He never forgave himself for that mistake, and consequently grew more distant from God and his parents’ religious beliefs. He felt inadequate, no matter how hard he tried to succeed. Jerry was hypervigilant in his efforts to be the perfect little boy. Being more sensitive and withdrawn, he never shared with his parents how bad he felt about himself. To him, God became his ultimate accuser and judge.