Three Types of Same-Sex Attracted Children
(Richard Cohen, M.A. © GAY CHILDREN STRAIGHT PARENTS 2007; InterVasity Press)

In my experience, there are basically three types of same-sex attraction Children. First, there are those who have unwanted same-sex attraction and wish to change; they want to come out straight. Second there are those who are confused or undecided about their sexuality. They are not sure which direction to go in. And the third, there are those who identify themselves as “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual” or “transgender.” This last type believes the “innate, immutable” myth of homosexuality. They are convinced they were born this way and therefore change is not possible.

Of course, it is easier to work with the first type of child because they are motivated to change. You may utilize all the suggested tools in this book, and most likely, your child will be receptive to your love, attention and affection. There may be some resistance from your son or daughter because of the defensive detachment that created the same-sex attractions in the first place. However, there is still common ground for cooperation. And please be aware, as part of their healing journey your child may establish new boundaries, learning to separate and individuate from either the opposite-sex parent, or both parents. This will be a healthy developmental task for your child as he or she begins to define his or her own personhood, perhaps for the very first time. Eventually your child will open up once again. But this time it will be as a more whole and healthy individual. I have coached many parents whose children are invested in their own healing, and the process goes much faster when both parents and children are involved. 

All the principles taught in this treatment plan apply to the second type of children, those who are confused or undecided about their sexuality. If your child is still living at home and you implement this plan as soon as possible, you may prevent him or her from going down the road that leads to a “gay” or “lesbian” identity. If your child is living on his or her own, there is still much you can do to help healing occur. Of course it is much more difficult, but definitely possible.

And finally, the third type of children are those who believe they were born with same-sex attraction. All the same tools and principles of parenting apply to them as well. The only difference is, in most cases, it will take longer to break through. There are two reasons for this: (1) your child or loved one has a mental block – “I’m gay and that’s that” – which prohibits them from exploring the root causes of their same-sex attraction, and (2) they have many defensive shields and guards around both their heart and mind which keep you at bay. This makes it a bit more challenging, but nonetheless possible, to help them eventually experience their true gender identity and come into fullness of their innate heterosexuality.

The good news is that this program works with all types of same-sex attraction children. I have successfully coached parents who have children that desire change, children questioning their sexuality and children who identify as “gay” or “lesbian”. Using these tools and skills on a regular and consistent basis has allowed them to break through with their same-sex attraction sons and daughters.

Several keys to success are patience, consistency and a positive attitude. Practice using the helpful skills that you will learn in this plan. Keep a positive attitude, keep pouring the right kinds of love into your child, have others support this endeavor, and pray for God’s continued intervention and guidance, and eventually there will be a change in the family stems. It is just a matter of time.

You will need to take care of yourself while giving to your same-sex attraction child. Healing is a journey, not a destination. You are now involved with setting love in order. If you continue to express healthy affection, affirmation and acceptance of your child (not accepting the “gay” or “lesbian” identity but their true personhood), then eventually you will move into her or his heart and break it wide open. Again, it’s just a matter of time.