HEALING THROUGH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Male homosexuality has been explained in the field of psychoanalysis “as an attempt to ‘repair’ a deficit in masculine identity.” Likewise, female homosexuality can also be explained as an attempt to repair a deficit in feminine identity. Kaplan (1967) writes: It seems apparent that some homosexuals choose as sexual objects people who have characteristics— physical, personal or both—in which they themselves feel deficient…. Dissatisfaction with the self, with the way one is…measured against internalized standards about how one would like to be…may be one of the major roots of some same-sex atraction feelings and behavior.

Men and women with same-sex attraction have a great need to connect emotionally with those of the same sex. Unfortunately, this is done via same-sex atracted or emotionally dependent relationships. When a man or woman seeks help with their unwanted same-sex attraction, there is the misguided assumption (sometimes on their part and sometimes on the part of others) that being with those of the same sex in friendships or as roommates should be avoided so as not to fall into a gay relationship again.

However, unlike an alcoholic who should refrain from drinking, people who struggle with homosexuality should not stay away from same-sex relationships. Quite the contrary; they should seek out healthy, nonerotic, relationships and be encouraged to make friends with those of the same sex who have not struggled with same-sex attraction or who have found substantial healing from same-sex attraction. It is in these nonerotic same-sex relationships that healing can be found because the legitimate need for same-sex bonding can be fulfilled without the accompanying erotic baggage. Men with same-sex attraction have a deep need to feel like one of the guys, and women with same-sex attraction have a deep need to feel like one of the girls.

When a trustworthy Christian man befriends or mentors a man who struggles with same-sex attraction and a trustworthy Christian woman befriends or mentors a woman who struggles with same-sex attraction, the need for same-sex bonding and connection is met via a healthy same-sex relationship (as it should have been met in childhood and adolescence) and quite frequently their sexual attraction for the same sex diminishes. Nicolosi writes about his work with hundreds of men over the course of twenty years: As he continues to develop closer mutual relationship with significant men in his life, the client begins to see his sexual attractions from a different perspective. The more he gets to know his male acquaintances on a personal level, the more unlikely it is they will remain objects of his sexual fantasies. The erotic power of their traits moves to the background as the whole person comes into focus.

The Church can be the perfect place for men to connect in healthy ways with other men and the same is true for women. However, for those who do decide to befriend or mentor someone with same-sex attraction, it is important that they not be the sole confidant or friend of the person they are mentoring. Men and women who have struggled in this area need a broad range of friends (some friends will be closer than others). If a man or woman is just beginning to find healing, he or she may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, so gentle guidance and boundaries may need to be established.

For example, a man or woman who struggles with same-sex attraction may have unrealistic expectations of how much time he or she should spend with his or her friend or mentor. She may expect her friend to be there for her at all times (or much of the time). If the friend forgets an appointment, reschedules a lunch, or doesn’t call for a couple of weeks, the woman with same-sex attraction may receive this as rejection and may get angry or even sever the relationship with her friend. The best response is to keep reaching out while explaining that boundaries do not equal rejection. It is also important for the mentor or friend to point the woman to a professional counselor if needed, to group Bible studies and social activities in the church where she can meet new people.

It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child; well, it takes a church with a lot of caring people to heal the sexually broken. Men and women who have found relational healing have also come to the realization that no man or woman can be their spiritual father or mother—only God can fill that role. Mario Bergner writes: Finally, I ended my search for a spiritual father. If I were to be a healthy Christian man, then my primary need was to learn to relate to men as my friends and brothers in the Lord. One day in prayer, I gave to the Lord all the expectations I had of Christian men and determined to give more of myself. Andrew Comisky agrees: It is important that we forsake any idealistic notion of finding the lost father of our youth in our male gatherings…. God alone is worthy of such entitlement. We thus must die to our natural dreams of the perfect human mentor and instead must gather together as brothers to seek and find God.

The same can be said of women. Women are looking for that mother figure—the idealistic nurturing, benevolent care-taker. But a healthy friendship is not taking care of someone but caring for someone. For many women with same-sex attraction, they see friendship as an all or nothing proposition. They often put all their emotional eggs in one woman’s basket and are devastated when that relationship is not as intimate and all-consuming as they desire. When women begin to fight against this tendency to idolize women, they will often pull away from women altogether and thus experience great loneliness. Anne Paulk writes: Some women have chosen to avoid relationship with other women in order to prevent sexual feelings from emerging. Sadly, this not only isolates, but also creates a well of need that may eventually draw us back into lesbian intimacy.

Women can also remain isolated in order to keep themselves from being hurt by other women. They keep themselves safe by defensively detaching from women, but this only creates more of a need and hunger for female intimacy. What usually happens in this case is that when a healthy woman reaches out to a woman who struggles with emotional dependency issues, the woman with emotional dependency will smother and suffocate this potential friend with all her needs and expectations for intimacy and inevitably will drive away her potential friend. This scenario can also happen between two men.

For those of us who struggle with same-sex attraction (in fact for all of us) it is vital that we go to God first with all of our expectations and needs because only he can fulfill them. Second, we need to learn how to reach out to others and not just demand that others reach out to us. Third, we need to trust people, knowing that they will hurt us, but forgiving them when they do. And finally, we need to be “proactive and not reactive.” Paulk writes: We cannot sit passively back and expect to be handed the golden relationships and skills we so long for. Instead, we need to actively pursue health and wholeness…. individuals who are successful in overcoming homosexuality… “make every effort to obey Christ” [and] “these people are proactive and not reactive.”

Eventually, no matter our past circumstances, we have to take responsibility for our lives. Spiritual and emotional health requires us to be able to face pain without self-medicating via our vice of choice. We must be willing to face and endure this pain in order to be freed from it. This requires courage and fortitude— and nothing short of the grace of God.

Healthy intimate relationships are built on trust and honesty and forthright communication. Manipulation, blame, denial, anger and avoidance lead only to brokenness. It is always fear that keeps us from being honest, from taking responsibility, and from leading courageous lives uncompromised by sin. Paul, a hero of our faith, exhorts us in Ephesians 4: Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love…put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body…. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Finally, the only way we can love others like this is to know the love of God for us. Paul prays for us in Ephesians 3:14-19: For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.