A MESSY BUSINESS

Loving people, however, is a messy business. It is something that takes practice, trial and error. We often think that loving someone is taking care of them rather than caring for them. A woman whom I was befriending made this distinction for me. She let me know that I need only care for her; I did not have to take care of her. This was a big relief for me. Often times when we decide to obey God and love another person who has great need, we think that we must make everything right for them, and this leads only to frustration and burnout. The greatest thing we can do for someone who has suffered sexual brokenness is to lead him or her to dependence upon Christ, not upon us.

The majority of people who have suffered from sexual abuse, unwanted same-sex attraction, and sexual addiction have the tendency to put all their eggs in the basket of one person. They can expect the person who has come alongside them to always be there for them and to never let them down. When this happens—when the caregiver reveals that he or she is fallible and cannot always love as God loves—sometimes the person being cared for may become hurt and offended and may pull away from the person who is trying to love them.

In turn, those who are willing to respond to the call to love people in their congregations can also pull away from the very people they are trying to help—especially if a person has tremendous wounds and needs. The inner dialogue sounds something like this: “Oh, Lord, it’s too much. She expects too much and I have children to take care of—a full-time job. This person is so needy, and I fear they will suck the life out of me. I can‘t be there for them.” The tendency is to avoid this person at all costs. I’ve struggled with this many times. God has taught me something very important. I don’t have to give everything, just what he is asking me to give at the time.

Because of my own wounding, I have felt the pressure to take care of people and the impending guilt when I do not. However, God is helping me with this. For example, he has taught me that I can say hi to someone without committing myself to lunch or going to an event with them, even if asked. I can go out to lunch without committing myself to a deep friendship. It is not unloving to set limits as to what you can or cannot give, and it frees us to reach out to people with needs instead of avoiding them.