WHAT THE CHURCH CAN DO

Only a few churches have addressed the question “How can we reach out and provide support to those who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, sexual addiction, and the effects of sexual abuse?” Over the years para-church ministries have, in fact, asked this question and started effective small-group ministries and counseling programs. The church needs to learn from groups such as Exodus International, Sexual Addicts Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, AA, and other recovery groups.

Interestingly, though, it is these groups that are calling on the church to start ministries of their own. Recovery groups provide a safe environment for those with similar issues to meet and get help. However, after a time, group members need to assimilate into the mainstream of church life, interacting with those who have different life experiences.

Churches do not necessarily need to start formal support groups for those who struggle with their sexuality. More important than support groups and programs is the church’s ability to be a welcoming place where people know one another and care for one another. Most people who struggle with sexual brokenness will not walk into church and announce “I’m a sex addict. What programs do you have for me?” In most cases, they will first quietly look to see if the people in the church are kind and interested in getting to know them.

Once church members invest in other people’s lives, they in turn need to make sure that those they are helping are invested in serving the church as well. I heard of a church that reached out to men who were homeless and addicted to alcohol. They started a successful program that got these men off the streets, sober, and seeking God. Those who started the program were ecstatic and filled with purpose and hope.

However, as time passed almost all of these men went back to their lives on the streets, to the church members’ dismay. When asked what the problem might have been, there didn’t seem to be an answer. However, when asked this question: “Were the men who were served ever required to serve others?” the answer was no.

When we ask others for their thoughts and ideas and expect them to contribute, we are giving them a great gift. People need to know that they matter and that they make a difference. We can condescend to those we serve by not giving them opportunity to give back. I have witnessed leaders in recovery programs and pastors in churches talk down to those who come to them with concerns, wounds, and needs as if they were children. The sense of superiority and condescension has no place in the church, for we are all wounded sinners saved by grace.

However, I have also witnessed pastors and leaders that treat men and women with tender love and respect. In most cases, these Christian leaders have experienced many trials of their own and, consequently, have great empathy for others who suffer. Usually, it takes someone who has suffered in a particular area to reach out or start a ministry to those who have suffered or struggled with the same problem. For example, in a church I attended there was a woman in a wheelchair who came Sunday after Sunday and to Wednesday night dinner, but few people in the church took the time or energy to get to know her until a married couple (who had a child with physical disabilities) began to sit with her and eat with her. They challenged the leadership of the church to post a signup sheet for its members to go over to her house and help her with things and just sit with her and read and talk. The only reason I went to visit this woman is because I knew the couple. I would never have volunteered otherwise.

I remember thoughts I had before I agreed to go: “God has gifted others to do this. I minister to people in other ways,” and then thoughts I had when I was with her: “How could God allow this to happen to her? She can’t even eat without help.” I even contemplated (to my shame) that perhaps it was sin in her life that put her in a wheelchair. It wasn’t until I dealt with my fear and selfishness and asked myself, “What if I were in her shoes?” and prayed, “Dear Lord, it is only by your grace that I am not sitting in a wheelchair” that I was able to open my heart to her and truly empathize with her condition.

We all have a tendency to blame the victim because we do not have an explanation for why God allows horrific things to happen to people. We rationalize that if he could allow things like this in other people’s lives, then he could allow it in our own lives, and this terrifies us. It also gives us a sense of control and fuels our pride to believe that we merit our good fortune and blessings, instead of falling on our knees in gratitude to God for them.

I will never forget something that this paraplegic woman told me as we were talking one Sunday afternoon. She said, Sometimes I get mad at God for being in this wheelchair. I think, “how does he know what it is like to be in a wheelchair? He was never in one.” But then one day I was reading in the Bible about how Jesus lives in us. So I thought if Jesus lives in me, then he must know—he must know what it is like to be in a wheelchair. Jesus walked in our shoes. That’s how much he loved us, and he continues to walk with us every day. When we as a church put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we suddenly begin to care about them as Christ cares for us.