A TRUE STORY ABOUT JUSTIN
(Richard Cohen, M.A. © Counsellor Training Program, International Healing Foundation 2008)

I would like to share with you a true story about Justin, a young man of twenty who grew up in the South. He had an older brother and two older sisters. His mom and dad loved him very much, especially his mom. He was her youngest, and she kept him very close to her. Justin was a very sensitive boy, more introspective than the other kids, and not as outgoing as his older brother.

It was hard for Justin to relate to his dad. His father was into sports, and Justin was into singing and theater. Justin’s dad was also a pillar in their church. He was an elder and respected by all. The whole family used to pile into their van every Sunday morning and go to church. Justin would sit there listening, taking it all in. After the service, everyone would greet his father, who was such a personal guy. But Justin just didn’t know how to relate to him, because their characters were so different.

At school, Justin didn’t fit in so well with the other kids. Because he wasn’t naturally athletic, they used to mock him and call him names like “sissy,” “faggot,” and “queer.” Justin would cringe. Because he was so sensitive, he didn’t know how to stand up for himself and fight back. And he never told his parents about his hard times at school. He kept it all bottled up inside.

At the same time, Justin had a big secret. From the time he was seven, he began to have attractions to other boys. He didn’t understand it; he never asked for it. He just felt butterflies in his stomach when he looked at one young boy, Dwayne, in his homeroom class.

When Justin was in middle school, while attending church one Sunday morning with his family, he heard the pastor speak about homosexuality. He said that homosexuality is an abomination to God, the greatest sin that anyone could commit. Justin asked his older brother Jed what that was, and he told him that’s when two men or two women are attracted to each other and have sex. Justin got a knot in his stomach, knowing that he was not attracted to girls but to boys.

“Am I an abomination to God?” “Am I going to hell?” Justin begin to pray each night, God, please take away these desires. Let me b normal. I don’t want to go to hell. Please God help me.”  Many nights he would cry himself to sleep. Only God new of his inner turmoil and pain.

Justin’s dad wondered why his son was so different. His wife used to defend him and told her husband not to be so hard on him. They both suspected that something was wrong with their son, but they didn’t want to imagine what they both suspected...that Justin suffered with same-sex attraction.

Justin continued to pray, “Father in heaven, I don’t want to disappoint my parents. Please take these feelings away, I beg you.” But much to his disappointment, his same-sex attractions did not disappear. In fact, his attractions to other boys in class grew stronger and stronger over the years. And then one night during high school, when he was attending his Wednesday night youth group at church, one of the young men in his group started talking about the gay guys at school and said, “We should line them up and shoot them all!” Justin felt like dying. He froze. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He never said a word.

“Dear God, I never asked for these feelings. Why am I so different? Do you hate me? What did I do so wrong to have this abomination in my life? Help me, help me please? Like so many other nights in his life, he cried himself to sleep.

Eventually Justin went off to college not too far from home. He was a good looking guy, and Tom, an active gay man, started hitting on him. Justin was shocked, scared, and couldn’t take it anymore. He thought he’d go crazy. So he decided he had to tell someone about this and ask for help. Shaking, his hands sweating, he walked into the youth pastor’s office at school. There for the first time in his life, he told another human being about his deep, dark secret. “I am attracted to other men, and I’ve been this way since I was 7 years old. I’ve never acted on it, but it is driving me crazy now. Please, help me. Tell me what to do. I have asked God to take away these desires, but I think He doesn’t love me, because it never changes.”

The youth pastor listened intently and said, “Justin, God loves you no matter what. And I know a good Christian counselor who can help you. Wait a minute, and I’ll give him a call to set up an appointment if you would like to see him.” Justin agreed.

Three days later, on a sunny spring afternoon, Justin walked into the therapist’s office. This was one of the largest Christian counseling service agencies in the United States. Justin was shaking, ready to jump out of his skin. “What would this guy do to help me?”  After he nervously shared the story of his life long battle with homosexuality, the counselor looked Justin in the eyes and said, “I am very sorry that you have had to suffer alone for so many years. That is most regrettable, because the fact is, Justin, God made you gay. You were born this way, and what they taught you about the Bible isn’t relative today. I will help you accept yourself as a gay man so you can fulfill your desires.”

Justin was not only devastated, he was in shock. He froze and couldn’t speak. He pretended to listen as the therapist went on and on about Justin living a happy gay life.

“Born gay? Oh God, I’d rather be dead. Please kill me. I just can’t take this any longer.”

Justin walked out of the therapist’s office in a daze. He walked and walked and walked, until he came to the train tracks that he knew so well as young boy. He stood there listening to the sound of the approaching train. “Dear God, I am sorry that I am such a disappointment to you and my family. I can’t take it anymore. Why did you make me like this? Why? Why? Why?

Confused, ashamed, overwhelmed, and pained, he stood there as the train drew closer and closer. Justin couldn’t imagine living as a gay man and disappoint God and his parents. So he did what he thought was best ... he jumped in front of the moving train and ended his life long battle with homosexuality.

I know what Justin felt. It could have been me. There but for the grace of God go I. Fortunately, I learned that I was not born this way, that there were specific reasons for my same-sex attractions, and that change is possible. It took me many years to find out these truths, and it took longer to heal from the wounds that created my same-sex attraction.

Justin had a Secret: He was ashamed of his same-sex attraction. His parents had a Secret: They didn’t know what to do; they didn’t know how to help their son. His youth pastor had a Secret: He felt disgusted by homosexuality. He knew the Bible clearly stated that it was wrong, but he was taught in seminary to simply accept homosexuality as a God-given condition. His counselor had a Secret: He was taught that people were born gay and therefore could not change, but in his gut he didn’t really believe that.